LIZ: Here's my advice to those about to marry: Don't. Take the money. Take the money and buy yourself a fabulous apartment and don't spend the money on the wedding. It is the biggest throwaway and means nothing later. It's the biggest waste of money and effort that I've ever heard of. It's like a big party where you just blow everything out; you have nothing left. It's got to cost $30,000.
MARY: That's what I told my oldest daughter, who is the genius in the family, when she got married. And I went into that in spades, and said exactly what you just said.
JUDITH: And what'd she do?
MARY: She wanted the biggest wedding that New York ever saw.
LIZ: My, God, Mary, that's amazing. I thought she was smart.
MARY: She is. She has propelled herself through her job and up, up, up, up, by just being so wise. But when it came time to actually get married, something from all those little fairytale books that she read when she was little came through. I think you carry that stuff in a backpack in your head. And she just wanted the glamour and the huge ... the romance of the whole vision. And we did. She had the biggest dress with the longest train and the most people. We actually had a church wedding; and this is the daughter who probably went to church twice in her life.
JANE: Did she stay married?
MARY: Yes. Judith, you're planning a wedding for your daughter, are you not?
JUDITH: I am. And it's going to be a dignified, small wedding taking up one afternoon, not a week out of people's lives, much less a year out of her and my lives. I think Liz is right. It's become meaningless and, not to say vulgar, and ostentatious. There's a huge industry promoting that. What drives me crazy is that they're always promoting expensive things under the name of, "It's proper to do this," or "People expect it." And they're the very things that are condemned by etiquette, which is not in the business of telling people to go into debt. But the ritual itself, if it could be hacked back to what it's supposed to be, can be very lovely. And I'm hoping my daughter's wedding will be; my son's wedding was.
But people spend a year putting on something that's a cross between the Academy Awards and a reality show; a romance movie about themselves. And the notions that have been perpetrated such as, "It's going to be a perfect day." Well, that's one way to set you up for a fall. And saying that it's whatever the bride wants or whatever the couple wants. Rather, it's a social ritual which can also be religious as well as civic, in which you enter into one of the forms of the society and people value this very much.
JANE: It's something to remember. You're creating a memory.
JUDITH: Well ...
MARY: Also, I think fantasy is a healthy thing. I don't think fantasy is such a bad thing. I mean, we're all hard workers and today people work harder than they ever did, really. And you could see that they respond to fantasy. You see all these crazy fantasy shows on television. Everybody needs some dreams, some beauty. And it's a feeling that they're in a kind of a fairytale world ...
JUDITH: But a lot of their dreams turn out to be nightmares, not only for themselves but for everybody else concerned, because there are things that are dropped from this – such as consideration for one's guests or living within one's means. And the brides are overstressed. The guests are often mistreated in various ways ...
MARY: What are the ways the guest is mistreated, besides having to be there and endure it?
JUDITH: They're dunned for money – the greed associated with weddings today is incredible. And the bridal industry, in recommending all these expensive things, is full of little hints about how to beg for others to help finance it, which is a revolting idea. They're told to wait for hours while photographs are taken.
JANE: The thrill has gone out of it sometimes.
JUDITH: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Because it's overblown to the point where people can't cope with it. And dignity, of course, is the first thing that goes by the way. I did a wedding book some years ago and I am revising it because there have been all kinds of horrible new ideas that have sprung up since I first wrote it. And people have come to believe a lot of misinformation that they are getting from those who have a financial interest in the situation, to the point where they're pressured to do things that are, again, vulgar and greedy. We're going to have a special section in the book where my daughter, who is not only a bride now, but has been, many times, a bridesmaid and wedding guest, is going to deal with what happens when you mean well and you're trying to have something nice for everyone and yet you are being pressured, even by your friends, into doing all kinds of things that you find distasteful.
JANE: I think all people about to get married should watch Neil Simon's "Plaza Suite", where they have that wedding scene -- Walter Matthau and Lee Grant, and the daughter locks herself in the bathroom and doesn't come out. The cake is melting and --
MARY: You women really amaze me. I mean, I've seen maybe 30 weddings and everybody's as happy as they can be and the brides are beautiful and they're sweet and I'm sure there are some of these things that you're talking about. But there are an awful lot of people who have pretty weddings.
JANE: Wonderful weddings. I know.
MARY: And the brides feel beautiful and they have a lovely day and --
JUDITH: There are. But I'm talking about ... I'm getting huge numbers, hundreds and hundreds of letters from people with these problems. I'm not just guessing or using my own experience.
This isn't the first time I've heard this kind of conversation. It's actually been sort of surprising...it's amazing how snide and nasty people will be to your face about your wedding (under the guise of giving you helpful advice). Overlooking the people who loudly dismiss anything Disney as cheesy, cheap, and tacky, (which is so rude, btw) there have actually been a substantial amount of people who criticize the fact that we're having a wedding that's costing more than a thousand dollars. People point out that we could just go down to city hall and have a nice dinner and ultimately we'd have the same result.
I'm sure that some of these conversations have been well-intentioned from people who are concerned about the fact that Kyle and I don't have very much money. But, even if I'm sure they don't mean to be rude, I always just think, "That's incredible. How can you stand there and summarily dismiss something we're excited about as unnecessary, self-involved, and wasteful? Why would you ever assume I'd want to hear your opinion on how we're going about our wedding day all wrong?"
The fact of the matter is that Kyle and I are very (very) aware of how much this wedding is costing us. I wish I could tell you that I've hit that zen bride stage of knowing that the cost doesn't matter, but I really just haven't. We also know that people are going above and beyond to attend our wedding. They're buying plane tickets, taking a week off of work, flying across the country, and listening to me as I rattle on and on about guest lists and menu choices. It's not as easy for anyone as it would be if we had just decided to have a backyard ceremony and a barbecue reception. I've been to those weddings and there is something wonderful about the simplicity. Plus, if we had decided to do it that way, I would be married by now and we'd have a handful of beautiful memories and a much more well-funded apartment/honeymoon/savings account.
But Thats. Not. What. We. Want.
I love that our wedding is taking a year out of my life. As impatient as I am to get married, it's been so much fun to plan and scheme and get back in touch with people I haven't had a lot of time with since I started law school. Kyle and I probably spend an hour a day just bouncing ideas off of each other about the wedding. There's no way I'd be getting him this excited about a party if it wasn't at Disney. As it is, I usually have to reign him in from thinking that Mickey himself is going to give me away. We're looking forward to getting so many people we love together in one spot, even just for one night, so we can throw a celebration for everyone and make them happy. Most everyone is really excited that we're doing a Disney wedding and when we tell people, we usually get "oh, that's so you guys." And it is, it really is. We aren't the courthouse, barbecue, sneak-off-to-Vegas type and at the end of the day we would have been left with a lot of savings and a lot of regrets about how we went about our wedding.
My conclusion is this: I agree that the wedding industry has turned into a racket. There are more ways to spend bridal funds these days than you can even imagine. I also feel bad for those people who get married, get divorced, and still spend the next 5 years paying off their $50,000 wedding. Additionally, I agree that setting yourself up to think that the day will be perfect is a bad idea, because things happen, people happen, and it's just not going to go according to plan. But be careful when chiding the future bride and groom about their spending habits because ultimately planning a wedding is as personal as saying the vows.
The number one thing that will keep a wedding day from being beautiful is a chorus of voices telling the couple that they've done it all wrong. I feel very bad for this woman's daughter (the one who had the biggest wedding in NY). I'm sure that her mom didn't keep her opinions to herself and it must have soured the experience. It's just ironic that this woman can't see that she was probably the main reason the cost wasn't worth it.
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